Over these past 17 months, I have been able to adjust to my new life as a widow. It’s not been easy but I guess that’s why I feel compelled to write about my experience and share tidbits of my journey that may help you when the time comes and you’re faced with having to plan an event such as this. I’m living proof that you just never know when that might become necessary. We’ve all been to funerals, but have you ever had to plan one? This will be a ‘peek behind the curtain’ to know what needs to be and what can be done to make it a memorable experience. It may be for a friend or a loved one, but either way, I hope it’s not anytime soon. File this away where you can find it when you need it but trust me when I say… When it happens, you’ll want to do everything you can to honor the one you’ve lost. The more prepared you can be, the better off you will feel.
After the shock of someone dying begins to settle in, you suddenly realize that you’re going to have to plan a funeral. If it was an unexpected death, this is when it becomes very real. Telling my sons that their Dad had died was the most difficult thing I’d ever done in my lifetime. I don’t wish that on anyone. Things began to happen very quickly. There are parts of that day that I don’t even remember. I remember breaking the news to my sons. I remember texting our pastor and a couple of friends. Then it began…
Once people found out, friends started stopping by to offer comfort, but they themselves were in shock and disbelief. Within days, the flowers started to arrive. I had literally just said to my granddaughters, “I hope our home doesn’t turn into a florist” when there was a knock at the door and flowers were delivered. They were beautiful, but all a symbol of what was happening. Something very life-altering that I wasn’t able to control. It was nothing like I’d ever experienced. I was trying to take in what had just happened, all the while knowing that there were things that needed to be done. My head was spinning. There really wasn’t time to grieve… or was there? I needed to take a step back and realize that this wasn’t a fire drill. This was the real thing. Remember when I say this. There’s no rule book when it comes to when you have to actually have the funeral. If you’ve pre-planned and know what your loved one’s wishes are, maybe because you saw it coming or you were brave enough to have the discussion, it may be a little easier; but for us, there was no plan in place. Death happens to old people, not us. Therefore, no wishes had been discussed. Why would we talk about death? Lesson learned. But now there was so much to do. So many people to contact and we were all in a state of shock.
In the days and weeks to follow, one thing I knew for certain was that I didn’t want to rush the planning of his service. I wanted it to be a special homegoing. A way to express our love for this man and allow others to say their goodbyes, while adjusting to having lost him from our family. We were all grieving. Grief comes in different forms and in unexpected ways. There’s no rule book for that either. I’ve learned so much through this process that I didn’t see coming. My hope is to help you through this, one day at a time - one step at a time. A wise woman once told me, “you never arrive”. She was referring to business, but I have found it to be true in so many facets of life. We never truly arrive, we’re always learning but we were meant to find joy in the journey along the way. That’s truly my hope for you.
From the moment I started planning, I made a promise to myself that if this was to be my final goodbye to my soulmate, my best friend, it was going to be a beautiful event. The last thing I wanted to do was become distracted by what would soon be flooding my way – all of the changes that would have to be made. There would be plenty of time for that. It was all so overwhelming, to say the least, but I’ll share that with you in a different blog post… for now, let’s just focus on the funeral.
In my normal, everyday life I’ve always been a list maker. I work off of my calendar and have my ‘to do list’ close by. In the days leading up to the funeral, I had a pad of paper with me everywhere I went. I’ve never experienced brain-fog like I did immediately following his passing. I’m convinced that when you suffer a loss like this, a piece of your brain goes with them to the grave. Your mind just wanders and you have a difficult time focusing on anything, but I had to focus. I had a lot to do and no playbook to go by. I just knew that I wanted it to be special for him, all the while thinking to myself, ‘how can this be happening?’
I had planned many events. From weddings to anniversaries, birthdays and fun business meetings but this time I felt a little conflicted. Was this to be a sad event or a happy one? I certainly wasn’t calling it a ‘celebration of life’ because I wasn’t celebrating. To me he still had so much life left to live. But I wanted to honor the man he had become. While I was so incredibly sad, I couldn’t find it in my heart to be angry. He was now in the arms of Jesus and I needed to remember that every single day and be grateful. It may sound very odd to a non-believer that I’m grateful for my husband’s death but that’s not at all what I mean. I miss him every day, but I’m grateful that I know without a doubt that he’s in heaven. Knowing that gave me peace, and during the planning, that gave me tremendous comfort that I would see him again one day. I began to think of his funeral as a way to remember him while he was here, but also found it a way to share the love of Jesus and what He did for my husband by giving him a new life when he surrendered his life to Him. It was a beautiful thing to watch the transformation in the years before my husband’s death and he would have wanted me to share this fact about his life, just as he had every chance he got. So I did.
Here are some things to consider and decisions you’ll have to make. I’m going to be specific because this is intended to be a helpful resource. This is fact not fiction. Remember, the more prepared you are, the easier it will be.
When you’re planning a funeral, there are so many things you’ll have to do, but don’t forget to take care of yourself first. Eat, even when you’re not hungry. When someone offers to bring you food, say “YES”. Remember, you can’t fill from an empty cup. Trust me when I say that you won’t be hungry but you must take care of yourself first. Eat small snacks throughout the day - not junk food but something healthy and don’t forget your vitamins or the medicines that you take. When you’re tired, rest. I’d never taken so many naps in my life as I did after my husband passed. Your body is reminding you that it’s an exhausting process, even if you have help. Your mind will constantly be going and all of that is draining you of energy you once enjoyed.
Now let’s talk about what needs to be done. You begin by choosing a mortuary. I found Reichert Mortuary to be extremely helpful. They’re in the Sacramento area. I used them for both of my parents and again for my husband. They arrange to have your loved one picked up from your home or hospital, so they are one of the first calls you’ll make. I was fortunate that the paramedics called my husband’s doctor. They were so helpful. I remember them asking who his doctor was and at that moment, I didn’t know so they searched his wallet and found a card that led them to his primary care office. Do you know who your significant other’s doctor is? I didn’t… There's a lesson for you. Write that down.
Next you’ll choose the cemetery. I found having one close to where I live was most practical. I go seasonally and change the wreath and flowers, and once in a while I’ll pay a visit to be sure the leaves are raked up and his site is presentable. But I know he’s not there so it doesn’t give me comfort to go - it’s a respect thing more than anything else. You’ll have to pick a plot. This was a little odd for me. Where would he want to be? I decided to pick something on the end so he wouldn’t have neighbors on both sides and something with a view of the landscape (as if it mattered).... I told you it gets odd. You can also make the arrangements for the headstone, but that doesn’t have to happen right away.
You’ll find that this process is very costly. I waited to get the headstone because it was a choice I didn’t need to make at that time. I definitely needed to be in a different frame of mind before deciding how it would look - keeping in mind that my name would someday appear on that headstone, too. After many visits to the cemetery, I know now what I want to do but still haven’t invested in it. I did, however, pay for my burial when I paid for his so that my family doesn’t have to worry about the cost or decision making when the time comes. I’m sure the cost of everything will go higher as time passes, so best to pay now if you can. I’ve put that paperwork with our trust documents so that my kids can find it when the time comes. Making things more organized for them has now become important.
You’ll need to select a casket. Believe it or not, I bought it online at Costco.com … I know, not what you would have thought but they’re beautiful and much less expensive. They deliver it straight to the mortuary (not to your house!) Who knew?
You’ll need to decide where to have the funeral service. Thankfully our church was accommodating and our dear friend offered to do the service. You’ll want to research the cost and pay for whomever officiates. Before all of this starts, you may want to have a budget in mind. This event adds up very quickly.
Next was the selection of the pallbearers. I chose one from each friend group, our two sons and his brother. They wore black and I bought them boutonnières. I bought a beautiful spray to go on top of the casket that had a Hawaiian theme because we loved our vacations on the island and flowers for my Mother in law and grandchildren as keepsakes. You’ll need to contact the florist in plenty of time for them to prepare. They will deliver the flowers the morning of the service.
Friends sent beautiful flower bouquets that we used to decorate the sanctuary. Someone will need to take all of the floral arrangements that have been delivered to your home to the church, if that’s your plan, then to the reception afterwards so they can be enjoyed. They may eventually end up at the cemetery or back at your home to enjoy - but throwing them away brings a sense of sadness, so be forewarned. I took pictures of them to add to the reception photos, but that’s just me. So much was spent on flowers. You may want to choose a charity to donate to in lieu of flowers. I asked people to donate to Celebrate Recovery, which was instrumental in his life. They were very grateful for all who donated.
I wanted to give a memorable gift to each of the guests so I purchased koozies that we put a water bottle in and handed out when the guests arrived. On one side of the koozie was a picture of our backyard that he loved working in and on the other side it said, “Peaceful in Paradise” with his name and home-going date on the bottom. You’ll need time for them to arrive, so don’t delay in ordering if you plan to do something like this.
I also ordered small personal Kleenex packets to give guests, but they looked more like packets of mini pads… made for a light hearted chuckle by some.
In preparation of the day, we made a save the date reminder that was emailed and text to as many people as we could think of. We wanted to be sure that no one was left out or unaware. We searched his phone for people I thought would want to attend or at least know of his passing. I kept a card file of everyone we had contacted so that I could cross reference and make sure we’d notified everyone. I used that card file of names to coordinate the help that we needed and to notate what food people were bringing.
You’ll want to have a program. One with a photo and maybe a favorite scripture verse. It will have the order of the service, who is speaking, etc. It may have dates on it and information about reception. We had a shuttle service and asked guests to park in a nearby parking lot, then we shuttled them to our home so that parking was more manageable for the neighborhood. I notified the neighbors ahead of time to let them know the plan. That information was on the back of the program. I had extras made so that I could mail one to those who weren’t able to attend. We had a QR code created to take them to the video of the service. Yes, I’m so grateful for my sons.
Because my Mother in law hadn’t seen him in a few weeks and wasn’t prepared to say her goodbyes, I offered to have an open casket the day before. She gratefully accepted, which isn’t something I was excited about, but I did it for her. At this event, I was able to see some friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and better prepare myself for the next day. It was exhausting. I framed a special quote and scripture verse that I had next to the casket which reminded the guests of the promise that they would see him again someday.
The day of the service:
Those who offered to help dropped food off at our home before coming to the church. We had volunteers at the house to set up the luncheon and prepare for the reception to follow. This is when having people who will say, “how can I help” comes in handy. Keep a list of people who may take on responsibilities that can be taken off your plate. You don’t want to be the one doing anything on that day.
At the church the day of his service, I had several tables of memorabilia in the lobby of the church… photos, game jerseys, things that he was known for that brought back special memories. We set up the koozies at each entrance and had greeters.
In the weeks leading up to this day, I knew that I would be the best person to give the eulogy. As difficult as it was going to be, I knew him best and had so much that I wanted to share; especially the return to his faith and how much comfort I had because of that. I wrote it out word for word so that I wouldn’t get flustered and forget. I prayed for what I wanted to say and when it was over, I was very glad that I did it. Sharing our love story with the friends and family that had gathered was comforting to me and to them. A little humor and a lot of faith that kept us together for 46 years. Every single person that attended his service was special to us in one way or another.
We had music at the service. The first song I had played before the service was one of his favorites. Each of our family spoke at his service. We shared a heartfelt message that he would have been so proud to hear. My son spent weeks going through old photos and putting together a beautiful chronological video set to three appropriate, uplifting songs. I am truly blessed by a loving family. We played that at the end of the service. As people were leaving, I had them play a song that reminded all of us that we would see him again someday. I was very pleased with his service and felt that it was just as I wanted it. A tribute and a reminder that we will all be faced with death someday. I’ve seen many who were touched by the day make commitments, and for some recommitments to their faith because of his life, and ultimately his death. That’s what he would have wanted to have happen that day. Just last week I heard of another story of someone being baptized because of his service. What more could we ask for than for his life to be a living testimony of the love he found in Jesus.
We recorded his service so that those who weren’t able to attend could still feel a part of the day.
We did a reception following the service at our home. Our dear friends provided all of the food and beverages. They came over the day before to set up the tables and chairs and were a tremendous help to make the day go smoothly.
We had a photographer at the reception. There were over 200 people who attended his service. There was no way I would remember all who were there or perhaps even greet them so the photos now serve as a reminder of the day.
At our home I had a table where guests could leave a notecard with a special story or memory they had of him. We also had a guest book but I thought that sharing a story would be more meaningful. It’s been 17 months and I still haven’t been able to read them, but some day I will.
There was a video camera set up in our home that guests could go to record a message, perhaps a funny story about him or many took the opportunity to share personal condolences. It was a very special gift from my son that friends were able to do this. These are the types of things that you may not have thought of but will be very happy you have when it’s over.
And finally, send a thank you note to all who helped make the day special.
As I look back now on that time period, I realize that I’d never stared off into space as much as I did during those weeks leading up to his funeral. I felt so lost. So alone. If you think you’re forgetful now, just wait. It’s as if your brain turns to jello. Things just slip through the cracks. Thankfully it does come back, but not for a while. I think it’s just the overwhelming feeling of suddenly you’re responsible for so many things that before you shared together. You relied on each other. More lists… so many lists. I’ll share what I’ve learned about that in a future blog.
Ultimately, you have to give yourself time to adjust. Give yourself grace in the transition. Breathe. Pray. As I sit here, it’s been 524 days and I’m still somewhat in disbelief. I’m not sure you ever get over it. Maybe it feels differently as time continues to pass, but for most I’m certain that the heartache stays for a very long time. We do our best to move forward and create new memories with those who are here with us, all the while cherishing the memories of the one who went before us. I love the song by Will Dempsey, ‘Beat You There’. If you haven’t listened, google it. Music is now my melody of faith. It brings me comfort in times of sadness. Joy in the daily routine and a reminder that this life here is just a blip on the radar.
I hope some of these ideas will help you when the time comes to plan a special event for someone you’ve lost. My wish is that it takes the sting out of the day when you’re able to honor the one you loved with all your heart.
And when it’s over, here’s what I’ve learned. This comes from ‘the Secret’. There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle and the other is as though everything is. I chose to think that meeting my husband at the young age of 18 and living our lives together for the next 46 years was a miracle. I know in my heart that we’ll meet again, but I wanted his final goodbye to be very special for all of us and it was.
Thanks for allowing me to share.
Future blog posts will include:
You can't fill from an empty cup
Why didn't I write that down?
We all grieve differently
Writing the story of your new life
The little things are now the big things
Changes you'll make that others don't understand
When goodbye really is goodbye
No regrets, only gratitude
Losing track of time and everything else
Managing added responsibilities
Things people say or don't say
What you should and shouldn't do... a widow's timeline
My biggest fears and I've overcome them
Goodbye for now.
I hope to see you again.
~Carol
